|Last night i was talking to my big bros. in church and a lady walked up to us and said "hasn't she gained a bit of weight?" And him knowing the reason for my increasing cheeks, lol, replied and said "because her mind is at peace now". I didn't disagree with him at all. Before church, at my friend's house we still talked about my wieght gain. Now keep in my mind i'm not big by any description, i just look healthier than i did last year.
Last year had to have been my worst year. And because i have come out of it, i can indeed call it my worst. It was terrible! I went through bouts of depression and save for my skeletal looking self, one couldn't tell that i was going through my own hell. I pray not to find myself in such a state again ever. I was sooooo down and beat myself down constantly, thrived on 3hrs of sleep each night and the hours i wasn't sleeping, my mind was running at 85mph. I got suspended at work in September for a week and a half because the boss said i didn't complete my tasks and would come to work looking unkempt and some other mundane reasons. Not entirely accurate, but it did have some elements of truth in it. Up until the beginning of this year i was still stuck in that rut. Infact on the 1st of January an episode happened that made me think i was going to go through the same cycle again, and on my birthday 2 days later...i was still in that dungeon but i was determined to not let anything steal my peace.
I tried many ways to get myself out of it and it became harder because i knew what the word of God says and every Sunday when i would go to church i felt like a fake because i didn't have the courage to do what i should have. However, at one point during my nights of anguish i decided that i would not allow that devil bring me down anymore. So i started to rid myself of any memory that kept me in his clutches. It was a slow but sure process and today when i look back i laugh and can't figure out what side of my brain i was using to think!
As individuals we all go through our personal battles but i would like to encourage someone that THIS TOO SHALL PASS. It may not look like it and you may think you sorrow will never end but IT DOES. Nowadays i laugh with genuine happiness and i talk with people openly with strong covinction in what i'm saying. Although i still don't get enough sleep but that is because i work late into the night and i can't sleep when the sun is out so i'm up early again! But when i don't work late, i get a restful night's sleep. I eat more now evidenced by my weight comments. And my mind is at rest.
The things i saw, heard, experienced and the way i handled them someone told me showed my maturity and even though i don't disagree with them i say the wisdom of God surpasses all of our own understanding. And that is what i used to get out of the cycle.
So please tell me why after i GOT OUT does he want to get back in? Doesn't he realise that i'm a different person now? Is he really living a life of grandeur delusions? To think that for one second i would feel the same way i did for him as i did then? The bible says to forgive and i personally know the power of forgiveness, but it doesn't say i have to take you back. No it doesn't. I'm happy where i am now and i WILL NOT let you take it from me again! LEAVE.
Friends. Before then i didn't have many friends so i didn't expect there to be any to rally around and support me but the one or two i could count on were no where, instead i found myself going weeks without getting a phone call and when i did call it was not a fulfilling conversation, maybe because they weren't aware of the gravity of the situation, they were off doing there own thing and bonding in their own ways, me being left out. Now more than ever i enjoy my own company and understand that friends come and go but my principles would not change. If for some reason i find myself being less productive being around you and you cannot add value to my life whether emotionally, spiritually, intellelectually, or in any positive way i rid myself of you not with malice but with the realization that your impact in my life is limited. I'm way past the phase where i need people to make me feel good or alive.
As an elective, i registered for a blogging class online this summer semester and a paper due this Sunday is a topic on "Libel Cases Involving Blogs". The same arguments i see being raised in blogsville in some posts is what some of my classmates were making during discussions and boy did i have lots to say! Suffice to say it is an easy A class, lol.
Songs I'm listening to:
- God Bless the Broken Road - Selah (It's on repeat mehn!)
- All my tomorrow - Kenny Latimore
- The whole Yinka Ayefele Collection
- Aye Nreti Eleya Mi - KSA
- If Love Is A Crime - Tuface Idibia (Sweet song)
- Sammie Okposo's No More Drama Album (The gospel master)
- High Praise - RCCG Choir
- Teach Me - Musiq Soulchild
- Yahoozee - Olu Maintain (Maaddd song! Still rocking to it, but i cannot do the dance for the life of me!)
- Home - Chris Daughtry
- Umbrella - Rihanna
- Big Girls Don't Cry - Fergie
- Wall to Wall Chris Brown
- Marrying the Mistress - Joanne Trollope
- Season of the Machete - James Patterson
- Beasts of No Nation - Uzodinma Iweala
And yes i am reading them at the same time!
Ooops break time...brb!